Earlier this week, I found myself at the eye doctor with my twins ready to take part in the 2 pairs of glasses for $69.99 with a free eye exam special. Well, not really a special as the company is known for this particular deal. Whenever we need a pair of glasses, that’s where we go. This particular day, I was asked by one of the techs if I would like to participate in two other exams that they administer for a fee. For the last ten years or so, I always passed on this particular exam because I’m cheap. Point, blank and period. The more money I can save, the better I would feel about the appointment. My “no” has gotten so strong with this company that my lips are already formed once I walk through the doors. This time however, something kept saying get the test. I figured I’d allow baby girl to get the test (only one wears glasses), and I wouldn’t worry about me. So, I signed the form for her and felt satisfied with my decision. That was until I watched her and I begin to ready myself for my turn. The satisfaction that I not ten minutes ago felt, went away. I wasn’t scared but something felt off about my decision not to get the exam. When it came to my turn, I informed the tech that I wanted to have the test as well. As much as I didn’t want to come up off those extra $20, I felt I needed to.
The exams were over and we met with the doctor to go over our results for our prescriptions. Baby girl went first and everything turned out fine. I was up. The doctor asked a few questions about my daily work and if I had been experiencing headaches and such. I confirmed, as I work at a computer all day and I always chalked it up to that and stress. Next, she showed me a picture of my retinas and informed me that she was concerned about my left eye and recommended that I see an Ophthalmologist. She couldn’t give me a clear indication of what my results could mean (or she just wasn’t telling me) but indicated whatever it was could be the reasoning behind a prior diagnosis with my left ear. I was worried but knew I couldn’t put it off much longer. Meaning, I was referred almost two years ago by another specialist to see an Ophthalmologist regarding the prior diagnosis, but I didn’t follow through as I assumed my medical coverage wouldn’t cover it. I found out I was wrong.
For two days, I was stressed out. I wondered if I would be in this situation if I had just seen the specialist two years ago. Fear was at an all time high. So, I visited the specialist and had multiple tests done. It took a total of 3.5 hours for these tests to be completed. He then came into my room and informed me that there was fluid behind both eyes causing cranial pressure. He was referring me to have an MRI done to rule out a tumor, abscess or other possible things. I wanted to scream and cry but I couldn’t because I had my twins with me (spring break), so I put on a brave face, asked God why and moved forward with the MRI. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more fear in the last year like I’ve had in the last few days. I found myself awake at 1 in the morning, heart racing and crying out to God. I begin to wonder why was I experiencing all these different circumstances in my life the last 2 months and I wept. I felt defeated. I felt hopeless and helpless. I felt I had let my children down and the people who love me. Only if I would’ve went when I was supposed to go. Only if I would’ve gotten out of my head and moved then, I wouldn’t be experiencing this now. What if it was too late? What if? I tried praying but the words wouldn’t form. I only felt like I missed my chance. I then came upon a sermon called “Sick Faith”. I learned that my faith was sick. I learned that I wasn’t walking fully in trusting God because of things that happened or didn’t happen in my life. Yes, God had come through time and time and time before, but there were some things that I wondered if He was really listening. Every thought came to my mind about what got me here, even that of wondering why was I pouring out the way that I do if only to be slapped in the face with yet another let down (flesh over faith). Then, I remember hearing in the sermon that we have to be careful when we ask God to use us for His glory. We may be thinking skill when God is thinking story. Conviction overload. The crying went into overload. “God, why use me this way? Isn’t there another way to do it to get the job done?” I can’t be the only one. Funny thing is, He said nothing. With tears in my eyes I said, “your will be done. Just don’t leave me alone to walk this out.”
The next morning, I went back to the specialist for the results. Four days in a row of doctor visits and tests. As I sat in the office for an hour *rolls eyes*, I begin to prepare for whatever the results would be. When the doctor entered the office He informed me the report from the Radiologist hadn’t come in but after viewing the images, He’s sure it’s not a tumor but a high level of fluid that has to be removed or it would cause blindness. He then stated I would need a Lumbar Puncture to remove it. As I Ieft the appointment, I couldn’t help but to cry. No, it wasn’t clear but it wasn’t the worse news. I begin to praise God for not allowing my stubbornness years ago from stopping my healing or worse. I begin to praise Him because He didn’t have to speak to me in that doctor’s office to get that test done. I begin to praise Him because I could’ve ignored His voice but I didn’t and it showed me what path it leads to when we take heed to His voice. Am I scared of the upcoming procedure, uh yea! But what I’m learning is that God is with me. Even if it’s not what I imagined to experience at this time of my life with all of the other things going on, He’s still with me. He’s never left me. And, He cares for me too much to leave me in a place that can harm my legacy and Kingdom. And, He’s pretty understanding that I will be scared to have this procedure done. He’s not surprised by my emotion. He took it all into consideration when he prepared the way.
Lord, I pray that whoever reads this finds comfort and safety in your presence. I pray that when faced with trials, tribulations, sickness, heartbreak or the like, that they reflect on how you are ever present. You have not left us. You may be quiet at times but it’s only because you know what we can handle. You know that even when faced with hardships, it will draw us near to you. It develops our Faith and intimacy with you. To know that we can always count on you. We find peace in you even if our circumstances never change. Help us rely more on you through whatever we face. Help us to know that you are a strategic God and nothing is wasted. Help us to see your glory in our story. Help us to see the purpose in the pain. Help us to minister to others as you minister through us. We know that ALL things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to your purpose. We will rest in that forever. In Jesus’ name, Amen!
Power of the Written Heart 